Secrets You Better Tell Your Partner

Here is another interesting article from a guy that seems to know quite a bit about relationships.

Enjoy!


Secrets You Better Tell Your Partner

Posted by David Zinczenko

on Mon, May 21, 2007, 2:20 pm PDT

If you read my last column about secrets you should never tell your partner, you may assume that I believe honesty ranks behind coffee preferences on the list of relationship priorities. But that's not true. Of course, better communication is one of the true keys to relationship success. While two-thirds of both men and women consider friendship to be the most important attribute in relationships, not all couples talk to each other like friends. Often, in fact, we stay bottled up like a old wine when the best course of action would be to start pouring it all out. The following secrets are ones many of us tend to keep hidden, but really shouldn't.

I've Got Issues

True story. An editor at Men's Health went on a radio show talking about relationships, and a listener phoned in, confused as to why a recent relationship didn't work out. He confessed that he had been in prison for years-but he didn't tell her until they were already months deep into the relationship. An extreme example, of course, but the point is that most of us are hesitant to reveal our quirks (don't eat anything green), our pasts (It took me seven years to graduate), our opinions (The president is a _____), and our issues (I never want kids) that may scare off potential partners. I'm not suggesting putting out a weirdo alert, but somewhere early on-maybe date six or so-it's smart to reveal at least pieces of who you are. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time, because when the truth does come out, your partner will feel mad-and duped.

I'm Getting Pursued

It's not the easiest thing in the world to tell your partner that a co-worker, or friend, or random barista is making moves on you. After all, you don't want to appear like you're gloating, you don't want to instigate jealousy, and you don't want your partner to be alarmed. If the chase has elevated from innocent flirting to serious pursuit, your partner deserves to know that you're in someone's lusting cross-hairs. Plus, by telling your partner that something screwy is going on, you're actually assuring him or her that nothing is going on.

I Like That

With 53 percent of people rating their sex lives as a C or worse, there's room for some improvement. Chances are, the problem is that you're not vocal enough. It's not that you don't make enough noise in bed-but you're not vocal enough about what you like in bed. Most of us are more verbal about our sexual likes early in relationships, but once we reach the comfort zone of a relationship, we're a lot less likely to actually communicate with our partners about what we want. The best strategy: Talk about it on a long drive and not right there in the bed, so there's no pressure to immediately perform. If you let the thoughts and ideas simmer, you'll have a better chance of bringing your relationship to a boil.

I Need More

A big relationship killer: Complacency. We get into our routines-Tuesdays mean Idol, Thursdays mean Grey's, the weekend means it's time to catch up on bills, laundry, and garage-cleaning. The relationships that get as stagnant as pond water need someone to make waves, but we don't tell each other what we want. Half of men and women say that they don't always tell their partners what's bothering them. And the only way to instigate and inspire change is to stop stewing and start flapping.

The article can be found at the link below:

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/41305/secrets-you-better-tell-your-partner

5 Secrets You Should Keep From Your Partner

Posted by David Zinczenko

on Wed, May 16, 2007, 2:18 pm PDT

It starts out simply enough: A man and woman get together, they share some wine, they go back to her place, their relationship grows, they laugh and they fight, and they become-tada!-a couple. And then something happens: They're supposed to share everything with each other. Their fears. Their dreams. Their thoughts. Their bills. Their medicine cabinets. And that's when this simple little romance starts to get complicated. in most relationships, there's such a thing as too much sharing-and I believe that a little discretion at the right time in the right situation is not only a good thing, but also could actually improve relationships. As long as you're not breaking the relationship rules-like playing tonsil hockey while the goalie isn't watching-then a little mystery can be a good thing. Here, five secrets you should keep to yourself-because not saying something will actually speak volumes. (And just so you don't think that I'm pushing to abolish the honesty policy, you'll read about the things you should never keep from your partner next time.)

You Don't Turn Me on Right Now

Granted, there will be days when your partner walks into the room and everything sparkles-moments like these make us count our blessings. But there are going to be other moments when your woman looks less like Cindy Crawford and more like Broderick Crawford, and when your guy is less Hugh Grant than Lou Grant. But when the occasional fashion faux pas or haircut from Edward Scissorshands comes around, swallow your tongue. If you want him or her to wear certain styles, compliment what you like, and ignore what you don't. Eventually, they'll get the message-but without the hurt feelings.

I Flirt With Others at Work

The stats don't lie: About 40 percent of men and 35 percent of women have lusted after a co-worker-without ever making a move. Even if you have no intention of taking it anywhere, nobody wants to think of their significant others spending 8, 10, 12 hours a day around flirtatious and attractive co-workers, especially when they look, smell and behave at their very best. Want to share sexual secrets? Confess your attraction to Hollywood celebs, not the co-workers in the adjacent cube.

I Can't Stand Your Friends

Your partner's circle of friends probably come in three different categories: a perfect package, nice enough, and how the hell can the two of you be friends? In that last category, there are all kinds of crazies-maybe she's too controlling, or maybe he's a bad influence. Whatever the case, know your audience. You may not like the friends, but your partner has more history with them than with you. So while they may not rank high on your personal list, keep it to yourself. Boxing out a man's friends is a relationship deal breaker, according to 83 percent of men we surveyed. And 62 percent of women would end a relationship if a guy doesn't get along with her friends.

I Still Think About My Ex

While it's natural to think about your ex, the Internet has increasingly made exes a bigger threat than ever before. The phenomenon of searching online for one's ex, which the majority of Americans admit to, can really make your partner jealous and fearful-especially since the phenomenon of people reuniting with very old flames has recently exploded (again, because of the Internet). You put your exes in the past; do the same with any conversation about them.

I Can't Live Without You

Why? Number one, it's not true; you can live without them. And number two, the key to a successful long-term relationship is to ensure that you've got your own life. You can say I love you, I enjoy you, I desire you, I appreciate you. You don't say I can't live without you. A partner should never feel trapped. He or she should be making a choice every day to be with you. And you, with them.

Have your own stories and secrets you think should one should keep mum about? Share them here.

Mysteries of the Sexes Explained

Mysteries of the Sexes Explained


Provided by
Men's Health
Who Handles Break-Ups Better?
Posted by David Zinczenko
on Mon, Apr 09, 2007, 11:50 am PDT


Some relationships end with fighting. Some end with crying. Some end with sex. Some end with verbal insults (or dishes) being thrown at sound-barrier-breaking speeds. Whatever the case, break-ups can be uglier than some Dancing with the Stars performances. Let's face it: some relationships aren't meant to be, so a break-up averts a bigger disaster. So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? My answer: Women. Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after break-ups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly. Believe me-I see the letters of hundreds of men desperate for advice on how to win their ex back. Here's why some men come undone during a breakup:

Men Mask Their Pain
When a guy is dumped, his first reaction is: I'll show her. How he sometimes does it: With a couple pitchers and a night out with the guys. In fact, 26 percent of men say that the dumped party should get drunk with the guys after a break-up, according to a Men's Health online survey. But those beer swillers are actually in the minority: 36 percent say a guy should look at his new ex, smile, and thank her. The thing is, both of those reactions are exactly the same thing-masks for their true feelings. They can't deal with being hurt, or angry, or bummed. It's not until after they get past their initial reaction that men actually mourn the loss of the relationship. Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold.

Men Have Fewer Friends
One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than the guys they breaks up with is that women have an amazing network of people to latch on to. Research indicates that men depend on romantic relationships for emotional intimacy and social support, whereas women are more likely to turn to family and female friends to satisfy those needs. Mothers, sisters, friends, hairdressers, cabbies, whoever-the more times she tells the story about what a jerk he was, the better she's going to feel. A man, on the other hand, stays corked. Often he shrugs off a break-up with a shoulder shrug, shoots a Jager shot, and tries to convince himself that he's not upset. That is, until about six months later, at 1AM after the fourth pitcher, when he confesses to his buds that all he ever wanted is for Janelle to take him back.

Men Hate Starting Over
After the break-up, a man may feel an initial surge of excitement of future prospects-the women he's yet to meet. But after three, four, or two dozen dates, he realizes that it's going to take a long time to reach the level of comfort he had with his ex. Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a break-up, whereas men are typically unprepared for it. While that sense of emotional security can't be the only reason to stay together, it also makes him realize that he was very lucky to have a woman like her. Meanwhile, she's already moved on. And perhaps the only time he lets his guard down enough to admit the emotional truth is when he's drunk dialing her. And that's too little, way too late.

Men Idealize the Dating Game
Many breakups are a knee-jerk reaction to what men perceive as stagnation: He's bored with the same restaurants, the same petty arguments, the repetitive sex. Once he's back on the prowl, he thinks, he'll be bedding 10s and living the high life. After the break-up, however, he quickly realizes that the singles scene isn't all champagne and half-naked strangers--it's work. Instead of the exciting bar scene, he finds that he misses the intimacy of his past relationship. Studies show that women consistently outscore men on measures of social, sexual, and intellectual intimacy--and women are often quicker than men to realize that intimacy provides the foundation of a lasting relationship, not the sexual thrills.

Have your own theories about who handles break-ups better, or a good story to share. Weigh in here.

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Can Cheaters Change?

Here is another point of view.
Source is given at the bottom.


Can Cheaters Change?
Posted by David Zinczenko
on Fri, Mar 30, 2007, 5:51 pm PDT


We'd all like to think that people can make changes, learn to compromise, and make their relationship stronger. Unromantic men can learn to buy a card every once in a while; women who nag can learn to stop themselves at least a few times they see toothpaste in the sink, or whatever it is. But those are small changes. The big changes -- the changes that can make or break a relationship -- are the ones most of us are really concerned about. And perhaps the biggest question of all -- when you consider that 25 percent of men admit to cheating in relationships and about 15 percent of women do -- is this: Can cheaters change? Is cheating an inherent personality trait or a controllable behavioral one? Can a guy -- or gal -- who strays learn to be a house cat?

For these purposes, we'll consider cheating full-on sexual contact -- not only sex, but also its close relatives. (I fully know that 60 percent of men say that even having drinks with an old flame is cheating, 50 percent of men say visiting strip clubs is cheating, and virtually all women say emotional betrayal is worse than physical betrayal. So I know cheating is complicated, but here, we'll go with the traditional "Where did my underwear go?" definition.) The average woman says that the No. 1 reason for divorce is infidelity -- so that indicates to me that for women, their answer is no, cheaters can't change (or if they do, they don't believe he deserves a second chance). After I give you my take, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this very question, because I think your perception of this issue may very well depend, in some major way, on whether you've been burned -- or have done the burning.


Can Cheaters Change? Not a chance!

Once someone crosses the line in the relationship (again, that line being different things to different people, but for argument's sake, we're talking here about the horizontal hora), it's like a seal being broken on a pill bottle. Though some of it may depend on whether it was a drunken fling or an ongoing stealth hookup with someone at work, the fact is that once that trust is compromised, the offender will have a hard time resetting the relationship to its startup condition. Even if the victim accepts the offender back into the relationship, the offender will be likely to stray again -- because he knows he's already gotten away with it once. The bigger picture, really, is the fact that he (we'll assume the cheater is a he; sorry, guys) cheated for a reason -- that something in his current relationship -- for example, one study showed that couples with infidelity issues showed greater dishonesty, arguments about trust, narcissism, and time spent apart -- made him explore other options. And that's ultimately what makes him prone to do it again. But...


Can Cheaters Change? Absolutely!

Just because someone has cheated in one relationship doesn't mean that he's always a cheater in his next relationships -- for the very same reason. In the relationship where he cheated, he was willing to gamble it away. So if he enters a committed relationship where he feels there's much more to lose, there's a less likely chance he'll want to risk it. Does that mean he won't, or that he couldn't succumb to the temptations of the tight-topped bartender? Of course not. Cheating certainly can make some relationships impossible to continue, but some infidels can indeed change -- that is, if he hopes to make other relationships even remotely possible.




http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/29128/can-cheaters-change

Play-mate vs. Soul-mate

Here is yet another interesting article on relationships.
This time around I do not know the source, but does it really matter?

Enjoy.



Playmate vs. Soul mate


In our quest for happiness we must be sure that we don't settle for a Playmate when God has a Soul mate waiting for us. Sometimes this is a hard distinction to make. Playmates are tricky. They are so much fun to be with that even the smartest of us will be fooled into thinking this has to be our Soul mate. Worse yet too many of us attempt to make a Soul mate out of a Playmate.

The danger of this is that later, after years of playing we will meet our Soul mate, but it may be too late. We may have already made a Life mate of our Playmate and created life-long bonds (emotion, children, etc.). Or we may have been hurt from playing so hard that we are in no shape ourselves to be anyone's anything.


How can we distinguish between the One, and just another one?
First, we must be open with ourselves about who we really are and what our soul yearns for. Only you and God know what is truly in your heart and mind.

Only you know what will make you truly happy and whole. In order to find your Soul mate you have to know you, first. You must be willing to listen to that inner voice. And is that voice telling you that the nerdy person you enjoy talking and sharing your thoughts with, could be him?

What about that friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you when no one else will.
Oh no!
He's too short or too tall, balding or too hairy, and on and on? Just too ordinary looking for me!

Then there's that girl who makes you feel so special when you're around her, but she doesn't match that ideal you have conjured in your head.

She's too tall, not slender enough, not light or dark enough, not shapely enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. She just couldn't be for me!

So what if he or she doesn't look like Shemar Moore or Vivica Fox.

Is he or she going to treat you like the jewel that you are?

Not only that, his or her soul and yours will commune in ways you never imagined possible! In order to heed that voice, we have to put on the back burner our own superficial thinking. Could it be that your inner desire is for a truly genuine person with a good heart? If you enjoy playing, stay on the playground. There are plenty of Playmates out there to occupy your time.

But don't spend too much time playing or you may play your life away. Eventually the playing loses its appeal and your soul begins to crave a deeper, more meaningful connection. Your soul begins to crave your Soul mate.


Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

What Makes Men Fall in Love?

I know that I have been gone a long while, but a lot has been happening. I will give you details soon. Right now, I just wanted to share an article with you. It got me thinking, so I thought perhaps it would do the same for you.

Enjoy.


What Makes Men Fall in Love?
Posted by David Zinczenko
on Thu, Mar 15, 2007, 11:34 am PDT

Judging from the kind of mail we get at Men's Health from men seeking relationship advice, I can tell you this definitively about men: When a man falls for a woman, he falls hard. Men "love" to be in love. While men often get stereotyped as single-minded sex-seekers, the truth is that a man's stomach churns like a slushy machine when he's in those initial stages of the perfect relationship.

When you consider that half of men say that they're currently not with their soul mates, that means a heck of a lot of slushy machines are waiting to be turned on. What are they waiting for? What makes a man fall in love? After you rule out the obvious intangible laws of chemistry, attraction, and being in the right place at the right time that kick-start many a relationship, I think the question really becomes this: What makes a man fall -- and stay -- in love? About 60 percent of men deem friendship the most important thing in a relationship (sex comes in at a skimpy 8 percent, according to a national Harris Interactive poll), but let's delve a little deeper. What exactly does that mean, and what kind of woman does a man really want? With full acknowledgement that men's tastes in women are as unpredictable as the plotline of "24," these are some of things that many men value in "the one."

A Woman with a Passion in Something Other Than Him

Yes, it's nice to be doted over. Yes, it's nice to be pampered. Yes, it's nice to be with a woman who showers you with compliments, neck kisses, and all of her attention. But there's a virtual Great Wall of China between a fleeting, flirtatious glance and the kind of attraction that can last a lifetime. Many men say they like a woman who's immersed in something else other than the relationship -- be it her work, or her sport, or whatever her "thing" is. Why? The passion she shows for something else confirms her inherent goodness, her personal drive, her independence. All pluses in the woman we're hoping to spend a few decades with.


A Woman with No Problem with Guy Time

Every relationship has to choreograph the time-together dance. Once a couple elevates from casual to serious, it goes through that period when most waking and sleeping minutes are spent together. But at some point in the dance, one person will call a time out from the music of coupledom, and try to spend more time with his or her friends -- while still being careful not to step on any feet in the process. Even when they're with the most perfect woman, men still crave the occasional space to spend golfing or drinking or doing whatever (64 percent of men are happy to have the time to themselves when their wives or girlfriends have plans). Men love, appreciate, and are thankful for women who respect and endorse (and not complain about) his need to have a few testosterone mixers. Don't worry, March Madness will be over in just a few weeks!


A Woman with a Strut

Her strut in the bar may have been part of his initial attraction. The strut from the bedroom to the bathroom after the first night together may have been pure visual ecstasy. But the strut that happens day in and day out is one of the major attractors for a man. What do I mean by the strut? It's that attitude, that sassiness, that confidence, that charisma, that charm that shows she can be a little bold and little daring. In a recent post I talked about the line between a woman being confident and a woman being so aggressive that she turns men away, but the truth is that in certain aspects of relationships, men want women who have the strut. Men want to be with women who challenge them, who push them, and who take the lead some of the times. And that's as true in the bedroom as it is in planning their next weekend getaway. The danger? While it can be insanely attractive, that strut of confidence can also swing a man 180 degrees -- if she uses it in other places, like to flirt with other guys, to become a relationship dictator, or to pick a fight with his mom in front of the whole family. He'll point that kind of strut right out the door.


A Woman with a Good Taste in Ties

Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se. But what we care about is a woman's ability to give us a little-and this is a key word - gentle - guidance. I know Freudian followers will say that it's a man's need to be mothered, but it's more than that. Every relationship is a give and take, and guys will definitely take women who can warn us when our new soul patch looks stupid, who can guide us to the perfect suit and shirt combo for an upcoming job interview, who can help them make decisions without being harsh or judgmental. Guys like to project that they know what they're doing and that they don't need any help. Women who can help steer us, without aggressively grabbing the wheel, are the most treasured copilots.

Have your own ideas about what makes us fall -- and fall hard? Share them here.

Link to original article: http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/24834/what-makes-men-fall-in-love

Sisterly Love. Part 2

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